In this day and age, everybody needs insurance. The loss of your home due to fire or the loss of your car due to a big accident would have catastrophic effects on a person if they were forced to somehow come up with the money to repair/replace it all on their own. No one is immune to accidents (that’s why they call them “accidents” sometimes they just happen), not even the big guy. That’s right. I’m talking about Santa Clause, the dude with what seems to be the easiest life in the world (not to mention all the alias’ are little sketchy. Santa, St. Nick, Pierre Noel etc.). Works one day a year, gets to stuff his face with milk and cookies WHILE ON THE JOB, and has other people (are elves people?) work all year to make the products he delivers! The last one is understandable because he’s basically the CEO of a massive corporation. He looks after thousands of employees, shipping needs, he has to keep his client profiles up to date with the naughty or nice list, and he is going to be the one to deal with any sudden and unexpected mishaps that might occur. Hence, even Santa Claus needs insurance. “But why would he need that? He’s magical and nothing can go wrong with him right??” WRONG!!
Let’s talk vital stats first. Santa is what? A couple hundred years old? His diet consists of hot cocoa, sugar cookies, candy canes, gingerbread, and pudding. Sure Mrs. Claus might sneak a few veggies in there sometimes but in any case I would not want to be the one giving that guy a physical. Probably doesn’t carry the greatest bill of health. He’s in and out of a billion chimneys, think of all the smoke and soot and junk that must be filling his lungs with every stop. Santa has a wife to look after! He’s going to need a great life insurance policy.
He owns a workshop where a thousand elves work year-round making toys with hammers, nails, hot glue guns, wrenches, and other accidents waiting to happen. Umm, hello liability!!! Sure elves are small and a piece of broken machinery that goes flying through the air only has half the chance of hitting someone of elvish size as it does a non-elf, it can still happen. Hammered thumbs and slips on marbles are probably the norm up there so Santa better be covered.
He owns Reindeer! Is there such a thing as Reindeer insurance? I know there is Equine Insurance for horses. Are they in the same family? They both have four legs, they’re both hairy, I guess you could ride either one of them if you wanted to, and they are both overall fairly big and strange looking. I bet he could make a good case to get Equine coverage on his team of flying Rein-Horses. Speaking of Rein-Horses, er, Reindeer, Santa might want to get a little extra coverage for Rudolph. “Glowing Nose” coverage or something. Man, if that thing ever went out Santa would be in trouble. He might even want to get his own beard insured. Troy Polamalu of the NFL has his hair insured. Why not Santa and his beard? And his suit? That’s how people know him! Without those things, he is basically just another big jolly guy. And we have enough of those.
What happens in the case that one of the Reindeer “relieves” himself while in flight over a city. Reindeer droppings hitting a car or a roof from that altitude could do some serious damage! He needs to be covered for that. And really, the whole night is one big disaster in the making. Santa, who has been out of practice for a year, gets back into his sleigh with a ton of cargo, no seat belts, no airbags, no breaking mechanism really, and spends the entire night flying through the air trying to land on snow-covered rooftops. He uses Reindeer, not mountain goats. I’m not sure a Reindeer has the sure footing that I would trust on a slanted roof in December in Canada.
So there you have it, a number of reasons why Santa needs insurance. And if Santa needs it, everyone does. So have a Merry Christmas and Happy New year and remember, if you really think about it, insurance could one day save Christmas.